BUBBLE WRAP REPUBLIC

BY CINCINNATUS

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Welcome to our Bubble Wrap Republic, a place where citizens are lovingly insulated from the panic-inducing responsibilities of citizenship by their benevolent Government. This long-awaited transition has come to pass after centuries of hand-wringing on the part of individual Americans, who have been callously overburdened with difficult decisions and accountability for their actions. In this brave new world, your paternal Government has selflessly taken this cross from you and shouldered it Themselves. O, Blessed Government! Blessed Savior!

Sadly, there was a time when Government was caged and limited, a Dark Age in which we toiled under the whip of self-determination and personal responsibility. In those days, Government did not offer solutions to our problems due to antiquated ideas about the meaning of liberty. These old, laughable ideas have been wisely cast upon the ash-heap of history along with the flat earty theory, fascism, and capitalism. The power of Government has been unleashed like the splitting of the atom, Its full potential is being realized at last.

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We as a nation can now enjoy true Freedom: Freedom from Accountability, Freedom from Inconvenience, Freedom from Decision, and most precious of all, Freedom from Vigilance. With these new cornerstones of democracy firmly set in place, we Americans can concentrate without distraction on the things that matter most, things like reality TV, Hollywood gossip, video games, and binge drinking. Leave everything else to our omniscient Government, made up of wise and caring people who have made the administration of the nation Their life’s work. These Heroes of the Republic are, after all, far more learned than we are, having spent most of Their adult life in Government. They know the ins and outs of Its operation and understand Its language, whereas words like “recession” and “deficit” aren’t part of our everyday vocabulary. Hail Government!

Gone are the days of economic hard times, class division and sacrifice. We have been given the future to which we are entitled. We will long remember the courageous Bailout of 2008, in which the Government thrust Itself in the path of a crippling depression and stopped it in its tracks, saving us all from joblessness and poverty, and rescuing us from the consequences of our appetite for easy credit and economically unviable home ownership. Thanks to our Government’s bravery, we can resume these pursuits once again!

Likewise, we have been beaten down by the sinister and greedy private health care system. No more. Government will crush them, protecting our God-given right to free health care by providing a system of Their own. All They ask in return is for those of us who have subsidized the decadent health care industry by purchasing coverage to pitch in and pay for those who have not. A just and fair system, if ever there was one.

There is nothing that our mighty Government cannot do. They ask only that we stand clear while They break down the walls of injustice that have hemmed us in these many years. We stand in awe and wonder what form of oppression Government will tackle next. Need we toil and break our backs for a daily wage any longer? Why not have our living come from the Government, and trade the edicts of our current boss for Its gentle, unimposing charity? If Government can achieve this, and It surely can, then It could most certainly provide us all with free and equitable housing. Perhaps Government can abolish the distraction of suffrage and relieve us of the responsibility of voting. Why be bothered by learning the issues, studying the candidates and rendering judgment? Government knows the issues, and is in a better position to select those most suitable to administer our well-being.

Almighty Government, The Solution, has indeed saved us. Long Live Our Bubble Wrap Republic!